Cargo Cult: the laundry list is less important than the chance you might take

How do you describe the truly indescribable?

Furthermore, how do you speak of and give clarity to a completely individual and personal journey to anyone? even those who were there with you?
I don't know that you can.

For the last several days I have questioned if I wanted to (but alas, I promised). I write this knowing that I can never express what happened to me at Burning Man on any level that is deep enough to be accurate and I hesitate to expose my soul, which is what I felt in many ways that my first Burn did.

First, I should out the obvious: What on earth did you do all day for 9 days??

My boyfriend when I asked  him what he had done before we met up one day answered: "Anything and Everything." In the real world this is an entirely unsatisfactory answer. On the playa if you are letting it take you away to where it wants to this is the perfect truth. So for those who aren't quite there yet: I did all kinds of things that I happened upon or in some cases happened upon me.

I helped build a kitchen and a dome, played on playgrounds, did yoga of all types, went on runs, went to happy hours and parties, interacted with art in every way imaginable, did wine tastings, ate the most delicious snow cone ever made, played giant jenga, got feathers in my hair, made a necklace with a blowtorch, gave gifts, was given gifts, had an amazing Bloody Mary, lost things, found things, went to a seminar, acted like a doctor, acted like a child, jumped on trampolines, danced, listened to music from amazing DJs, forgot that my phone, Facebook, and the internet existed, wore super fun costumes, ate amazing food, ate an obscene amount of Larabars, starred at the sky, picked up MOOP, road art cars, skipped through sand storms, went to advice and compliment booths ("Do you have a compliment for me?"), watched beautiful structures burn beautifully, cried at the temple, biked and biked and biked, hung out on a giant couch, went swinging,  played with a zoetrope,  made a video with 5 amazing people in the desert, watched the sunrise, watched the sunset, teeter tottered on a mustache, hugged everyone, couldn't stop smiling (which comes with the hazard of all kinds of playa dust in your mouth), and most importantly in all of this met and got to know amazing people as well getting closer with those I already knew.

This list is in no way all inclusive of what I did, however it gives you a taste of my day to day activities.  This is also likely where reading should end for most people with the takeaway that: "There are a lot of things to do out in the middle of the desert. If, of course, you enjoy that kind of stuff."

However the above rambling is simply a culmination of what wandered around me while playa magic was simultaneously happening.

Before I left and even several days after I arrived I didn't quite understand (and it is ok and appropriate if you don't. Refer to the beginning of my post.).  Prior to living in Black Rock City the above list would have sufficed (and if it works for you and I have answered your questions about "What exactly is Burning Man?" then this is where you should stop reading). I had a tremendous amount of fun and usually that could and would have been sufficient.


But the Playa insisted that above laundry list wasn't enough for me. 

So what really happened at burning man? Here goes...

 "Not everyone gets the Burn they want, but everyone gets the burn they need." I had heard this before I went to Burning Man and wasn't quite sure what to make of it or more specifically: I was without a clue what I needed besides a vacation far far away from work and even that felt a bit dramatic and selfish because I had just gotten back from an amazing long weekend. I was also really worried about going. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, but did I fit? Would this destroy my relationship? What if I couldn't take it?  9 days could turn out to be a long time.

My burn if it could really be summed up by one idea was about taking chances.

Let's pause for a moment and before
assumptions, scoffing, and judgments begin talk about the thing that saddens me about Burning Man, the preconceived notion of the experience. Does taking a chance at Burning Man always mean running around naked on the Playa while imbibing, inhaling and ingesting anything everything that crossed my path? No, but I offer if your mind and heart are open it wouldn't be wrong if it did.

Burning Man is ultimately special because it is about journeying to yourself in whatever vehicle is necessary at whatever speed is right. If you need to experience and love your body naked, costumed, painted or fully clothed then that is what you do. If you need to see things differently, vividly, and more intensely then that is what you should do. Being in Black Rock City is not about harm, injury, or imposition or even about breaking the law. It is about living, loving, figuring out, and just being you intermingled to perfection with others who are doing the same.

The most difficult chance that I could personally take was to be vulnerable, something I am very bad at in many ways.

 First by being open to people in a different way, by allowing them into my space both mentally and emotionally. In many ways I was raised in isolation, a no-touch household, followed by a boyfriend who convinced me that my body was not worth interacting with. For years I would freeze and stiffen when anyone tried to hug me. Moving past that to a kiss might have propelled me to a total melt down and self-imposed solitary confinement. In medical school it became apparent that during the clinical years I would have to get over this terror of touching and being touched so I developed a system. I used to count to ten with mini pep talks before touching each patient. "1-2-you can do this- 3- it won't hurt-4..." Through residency I got quite skilled at touching people, but those were patient people, not real life people. For some reason I still had a problem with those. With that in mind the burn completed what started last November when I met the most huggable, lovable guy I have ever known and he wanted to touch me and often, and hold my hand. It felt natural and wonderful and was unknowingly an amazing precedent to Black Rock City.

Upon arrival at the greeters station I got hugs from 5 different people, including a large group hug. "Welcome Home!" they said after I rolled and swam in the dust and banged a gong. I still didn't understand, but somewhere between the greeter's station and Tuesday (also one of my new favorite people) that long-standing barrier fell. I was hugging and kissing everyone I met. Even more amazing is that it wasn't count-down pep talk formulaic. It truly felt better than a handshake. There was no judging, pretension or perceived danger, just happiness, affection, and love.

Second to learn to trust people on a deeper level than I thought possible for me. Giving people especially those who care about me the chance to broaden my experience, take me to their favorite places, discover new places together is probably one of the greatest gifts I can now imagine giving myself.  I have been lucky enough to travel to some amazing places over my short life and mostly I have gone alone (for a variety of reasons that usually in some way equal I made it happen and my friends didn't). After being at Burning Man I have decided that although it might be easier to be a lone self-propelled traveler than to let someone into your experience and to share the newness and adventure with you, it's not always the best. In fact trusting others helped me unearth parts of myself that I didn't realize where there.

And Last but most certainly not least to be vulnerable in my emotions. To say what really matters  deep down in my soul despite the unknown, despite my fears. I am historically horrible saying the things that really matter to me to the people that really matter.  It probably makes me normal and definitely renders me a coward. To say that I am scared to tell someone when I care is the understatement of the century possibly the millennium.  Over the years caring about or loving someone even a friend or a family member has boiled, bubbled, and so badly wanted to come out. Being too frightened, I have metaphorically thrown salt in water, continuously raising the boiling point and thus the desire to tell, but just can't do it. And admitting these deep feelings, secret hopes, and love to myself doesn't count. Emotional paralysis is uncomfortable at best. If someone melts your heart, touches your soul, sparkles brightly and makes your day, month, or year; you should tell them. Every time. It matters.

Every night is a beautiful night on the Playa. The magic is palpable and you are surrounded by more love than I have ever believed existed. The combination of this and the actual people (in my case one person) is what coaxed me out of my long-standing arm's length iron tower. And with this admission, I learned that the feeling of releasing your passion to the world is one of the greatest feelings in the world. The Playa gave me the venue to take off my anti-emotional armor and discard the inhibitions that have prevented me from simply being honest with myself and others. I had a pristine moment of clarity when I realized that the trepidation that halted my expression came from within. It reminded me that pride is sometimes cumbersome and unnecessary. Furthermore, I discovered that truth in emotion ranges from the biggest most intimate of proclamations to lesser but still important admissions and that I was genuinely more comfortable in all of my interactions around the Playa. For the first time I can remember I had no feelings to hide. My heart was exposed and at peace, and consequently so was my smile.

My virgin burn was about being vulnerable, loving, trusting, living joy, and caring, and as appropriate could never have been predicted.  For me Burning Man and Black Rock City are love and what it should be; a combination of living, natural, and created beauty; and passion and intensity; honesty in who you are, without inhibition, pretense, and judgement.

So as you think about becoming part of Burning Man, think of it as a living, breathing city that gives as you give. The beauty and the love from the people that are Burning Man, all 68,000 of them, are the "playa magic" that everyone speaks of and just as that name implies they will give you exactly what you need as you need it.  If you are brave enough to take the chance, "Welcome Home".

“In matters of love, the stakes have always been high. Don’t be afraid to say what you want. Being vulnerable is a necessity. In order to save all, you must sometimes be willing to risk all.” By G. Will